Oh the Holidays....

This is my favorite time of year... always has been... lights, trees, pretty packages and stockings...


This year will be different for us...


But I vow to make it a good holiday for her...


We can do this... we've survived thus far...


But I know it is coming... the sadness... the tears...


And at the same time I know that she knows that it's better this way...


My Christmas wish this year... peace, joy and happiness for the darling angel girl...

It's My Choice...

not to regret... 
any of the choices I have made...

everything I do is a choice... 
and each choice in succession 
has brought me to where I am today...

In hindsight...
some choices may not have worked out 
to be the best choices made... 
but at the time... 
they were the right choice...

And other choices... 
definitely work out 
to be the best choices made...

So I decide in advance 
that I won't regret my decisions... 
I weigh my options... 
I make the best decisions for me... 
and I will have no regrets...

Breaking Chains that Bind...

...imaginary...

We all have them... 
I have them... 
and I wonder... 
if those chains are broken...
will I become human again?

One link at a time... 
a little bit of liberation... 
step by step... 
a reconnection to feelings and emotions 
that have been hidden away...

And I want to break them... 
And I want you to help me break them...

Temptation...

...ever want something so bad?

Pick something... anything... cheesecake?  new shoes?  a new car?  a fancy dress?  and for whatever reason, you believe you can't or shouldn't?  

Why does it always seem like a temptation, whatever it is, is a negative thing?  We spend our lives being told to "resist temptation"... is it harder to resist?  or harder to give in?


Isn't resisting just a cop-out because we're too weak to allow ourselves the pleasure?  Wouldn't giving in prove your strength in knowing yourself and knowing what you want, and knowing what makes you happy?

...just a thought...

Kinda...Sorta...Done...

Divorce by default... seemed it went too easy today... but I guess if the other party doesn't show up... 

Mind you, this is good for me...  but I am still curious...  why hasn't he shown up for the last three court dates?  Why hasn't he taken visitation with his daughter since September?  Visitation goes back into effect with this divorce...  will he take it?  Or will she be heartbroken, again?

There's still the 30-day contest period... wonder if he'll file anything?  Or maybe he'll just stay "disappeared"... 

Some relief today...  thankfulness...  and yet, I am anticipating an ugly backlash...  hoping I am wrong...

Christmas....Without a Tree?!

...not if I can help it...

Those of you who know me know that Christmas is my most favorite holiday...  and that the Christmas tree stays up in my house for months after Christmas...

So when I heard of a family without a tree, I just had to do something about it for the children's sake...

Have to throw a shout-out to my friends and family who gathered up some extra Christmas goodies... so good to go with a tree and lights and ornaments...

I am so looking forward to delivering the Christmas tree and stuff for these kids...  I cannot even express how I am about ready to bust with the excitement of it all...  Christmas magic...  yes... that's what it's all about!

Thankfulness...

yes...I am full of thankfulness... amidst all the madness which is my life...

I have been blessed with the most amazing child a mother could ever ask for...  she's beautiful... she's intelligent... she has a magnificently huge heart... she's sweet, and caring, and loving...  she is just the BEST...

I have been blessed with a wonderful family... parents and 5 siblings who have been nothing but supportive... and wonderful friends...

And I have an angel...  I really believe my angel was sent to me at the precise moment I needed... in order to say the things I needed to hear... in order for me to think about the things I needed to think about...  in order to do the things I needed to do...

And with it being Thanksgiving time... I need to express my thankfulness to all these wonderful people...  I am thankful... so very thankful... for all of you...

Death....Am I Ready?

...I don't think so...

I've been doing a lot of thinking about dying... not something I would normally think about.  However, when someone threatens your life on multiple occasions, it's kind of difficult not to at least consider...

I anticipate, if he is successful, it will hurt... but only for a moment... and then nothing...

But I know I'm not ready...  It's a selfish thing... I still want to do so many things...  She's only 8 years old... so many things in life to teach her... I want to watch her grow... I want to experience every phase...  She is quite an awesome little being... I've been in awe since her birth... she never ceases to amaze me...

How would my death affect her?  What would happen to her?  Where would she go?  How would her life be without me?  Would she be okay?  Would she always remember I loved her most?

It's inevitable...  death WILL happen...  I am just hoping it's a long time from now... and peaceful...

Can't waste any more braincells on the thought... time to let it go... 

Taking the High Road...

I have been doing my best to stay on the high road during this whole divorce process...  it's been rather easy to do... being that my daughter's best interest is my number one priority...  but make no mistake... thoughts not consistent with this journey have crossed my mind on multiple occasions...

I refuse to be one of "those" parents... the ones who put the children in the middle and use them as pawns...  I know by doing the right thing by my daughter through this process, she will never have reason to come back later in her life and say, "Well, Mom, you did or didn't..." or "wouldn't..." anything that would cause a negative impact on her relationship with her father.

He has made it very difficult for me... but she has kept me strong and on track...  I have to believe that truth will prevail...

Catholic Guilt...

ingrained since early childhood...

I anticipate guilting children with the wrath of God was not originally intended to be a negative thing.  I wonder whose idea this was...  follow the rules or suffer the consequences and go to hell...

For the most part, this teaching keeps people in line of making the right choices and doing the right things...  and the idea of a higher power who hands down consequences for bad choices is not necessarily a horrible thing, if believing in such brings one to a higher place.

But I will not teach my child this... EVER...

My personal tug-of-war with the Catholic Guilt Factor caused me to remain in a domestic-violence situation for nearly 5 years.  I was NOT going to break the promise I made in God's presence... I vowed "for better or worse" and "in sickness and in health"...  Obviously there was a reason for all of this...  Obviously God put me here because He needed ME to help him...  Obviously all of this was going to make me a better and stronger person...

What it really did was kill the person I was...  that woman who knew what she wanted, knew what she deserved...  the one who wouldn't put up with someone's bullshit...

It turned me into an enabler...  enabling someone else to act as they wish and to do things that were unacceptable...  it made me accepting of ill treatment and no equality...  it allowed me to make excuses for someone's bad behavior... because as a result, I would have found favor with God because He wanted me to handle this...

What I found is... it doesn't matter how much you love someone... it doesn't matter how hard you try to make things "right"...  if the issue belongs to another person, there is nothing you can do about it if they choose not to do anything about it themselves...

I believed if I kept my promise, everything would work out...  funny thing is, it never occurred to me that he had already given up on getting better...  he had already broke his promise... it was never going to get better...

And most of all, I learned... I DESERVE to be treated with respect... I DESERVE to have good things in life... I DESERVE to be loved and cherished for the person I am... I don't have to settle... and I never should have allowed anyone to treat me as anything less than the TREASURE that I AM...

So I ditched the other blog...

several months ago...  Life has changed a LOT and there just doesn't seem to be any time for the arts and crafts that I love so much...  No, I'm not complaining, just stating fact.  Maybe one of these days I'll get a chance to get back to it, but for now and the last several months, I have a new priority.

I have been typing posts for this blog for the past 3 or 4 months now, but haven't published any of them yet... I don't imagine that it really matters to anyone what I have to say... yet at the same time, as I've split myself open and let all the stuff come out, I'm not exactly sure how I'll react to inevitable criticism... I never used to care about that... then things changed me... and now I'm just trying to get myself back...